Sanity is overrated!



Love is a Magic Bullet

There comes a time in every woman’s life when the prospect of her next sexual rendezvous seems to be off somewhere on the distant horizon.  Times of sexual famine are difficult to predict when a girl is out and about on her own and unless she has taken an oath of celibacy for a time, she must resort to her stash of battery-operated contrivances.  Dependent upon her state of urgency, the chosen appliance of assistance can vary and many women have their favorite stand-bys, however when time is of the essence and a girl just needs to get the most bang for her buck, she simply cannot beat this little marvel of modern battery-operated technology, also known as Mr. Bullet.

In regard to this small piece of engineering ingenuity, I have nothing but praises to sing; it is versatile, efficient, and…ooh lah lah, don’t let me dare forget to mention extremely effective…!  I came upon this little beauty quite by accident; I was interested in trying out something different, something more portable and discreet and I was led by a very knowledgeable salesperson who introduced me to my little friend (hello, Scarface!).  Having only recently discovered this resource of the “adult store” due to my previously sheltered existence, I felt as though I had found a new kind of Disneyland of pleasure and as long as the expense didn’t break my budget…why not?!

What follows is a summary of my first adventure using this shiny silver miracle of invention whom I choose to call “Mr. B.”

Upon arriving home, I made certain to wash Mr. B and install the proper batteries in the correct direction; this may seem superfluous to you but when a lady has been ignorant in regard to these things…well, let me just say that it finally came to life.  I experimented with the dial a bit to see what sounds and vibrations were possible and I discovered that Mr. B had anywhere from a minor buzzzzz…. to a setting capable of causing a nuclear explosion!  I decided to start with the minor buzz due to the fact that I didn’t even have a learner’s permit to operate the thing and I didn’t want to cause any peripheral damage.  I put in some Santana, stripped away all of my clothing and lie back on the bed with the pillows under my head so I could see what I was doing (this is important).  I put a small dab of K-Y on the perimeter of the Bullet and turned the dial.  Using the tip, I lightly massaged all around the outside lips and was I pleasantly met with a very scintillating response; my body began to relax and then tighten and my legs seemed to open and spread wide of their own accord instinctively aware of what was to come!  Slowly, I began to position the bullet to massage my inner lips around and around until I felt the straining of Her Ladyship, the Queen, begin to beg for some attention.  I have discovered that Her Ladyship can be quite fickle at times, sometimes she is like an open book willing and ready to receive whatever delights are presented, and at other times she is picky and arbitrary and is only receptive to the utmost care and lengthy attention.  This day she was quite anxious to make the acquaintance of this special visitor and wasted no time allowing Mr. B to render a full 360.0 inspection of her attributes and after insisting that he perform several additional rotations of her periphery, she succumbed to the effects of his smooth but powerful advances.  She was quite delighted, and exhausted, and it had only been a mere five minutes!


Gadgets, Devices, and Other Things

For those of you who are reading this article due to the title’s implied content, I adore you!  That is exactly what I would have done and therefore I think it only fair to let you know that the “devices” of which I speak are our electronic devices: the iphone, our laptops, Kindles, and ipads, etc.  Perhaps if everyone were more inclined to use other types of …er, devices, we might be a little easier to get along with as a society!  In any case, I had an adventure today and I want to tell you about my observations and also kill two birds with one stone (that is a dreadful cliché).

I am currently working through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron and one of the weekly assignments is to take myself on an artist date.  Since I had a scheduled appointment to go out of town today, in an attempt to alleviate the mundane nature of the task at hand I decided to utilize the opportunity to scratch that item off of this week’s assignment by spending some self-structured time at Barnes and Noble and then treating myself to lunch at Pei Wei Asian Restaurant.  The day turned out to be an absolutely enjoyable adventure and I came away with some interesting thoughts about my fellow humans.  In addition, I had another opportunity to fine-tune my bad-ass chopstick skills!

I am a self-confessed people watcher and I usually approach this past-time circumstantially: I’m waiting somewhere for something.  Today, however, was different.  Today I deliberately set about the business of purposefully paying attention to sizes, shapes, and social habits of the humans at a very large and very quiet bookstore.  While sitting at a table at the in-house Starbucks, I had an excellent vantage point with which to conceal my people-observing mission.  I was immediately struck by the prevalence of hand-held devices; it appeared as though everyone had a cell in their hands and were either engaged in a conversation or looking at something on their screens.  In the meantime, the presence of others is visually apparent and the store is otherwise as quiet as a library.  Neither of these factors made a difference.  And it wasn’t overtly rude.  I had to ruminate over this newly accepted habit of socialization: a form of person-to-person contact in which we socialize with those on our devices but not with those in the same room.

Interestingly enough, I found this atmosphere strangely comforting…?  I began to realize that these people who didn’t even know me were allowing me to listen to snippets and phrases of their private conversations.  These bits of communication would not ordinarily capture my attention but it seemed as though these device-users were announcing their presence by conversing in a quiet bookstore.  This behavior and its consequent addition to the atmosphere of the store brought them acknowledgement but it also sent another message: I am not available for interaction.  It was like the opera Tommy: see me, feel me, touch me, [hear] me.  But please do not talk to me!  We can go places to be among others but we must bring our devices to avoid interaction!  “Alone” is the new social connection!

As for the reasons that I found this atmosphere so comforting, I can only fall back on my tendencies as an introvert.  To be in public always carries the risk of being approached to engage in conversation.  I would avoid these situations as much as possible unless I was psyched-up for a possible encounter.  Often, it would be very draining.  However, today was different; I was completely relaxed and at-ease!  I knew that these “others” were engrossed in their own little fishbowl worlds and that the likelihood of one of them intruding in on mine was minimal.  What a freedom!   The title of one of Bukowski’s tomes came instantly to mind: You Get So Alone Sometimes That It Just Makes Sense.

And it did. And it does.

(Did I mention that I was on my laptop?! )

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction…

Life got away from me this week.  I have been going mindlessly from one thing to another without purpose or intentional direction.  I have been hitting my college classes hard for the last three years and I will be finishing my degree in two weeks…and I’m nuts!  It is a paradox that man can endure until the end is in sight and then the transition to unbearable begins; this is precisely where I am and with two weeks left, it can’t come fast enough.  Speaking of which, I haven’t had any time for fun lately and I have some serious tension built up with no relief in sight!  I have had a couple of reliable FWBs but circumstances have left those avenues unavailable at the present moment and I am a hurtin’ unit!  Enough whining,  I will make it short and sweet and will have to make do with a gadget or two… how do I spell “relief”?       O-R-G-A-S-M!

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