What single event has the power to turn an otherwise intelligent, mostly rational and fun-loving human into a shrieking, crying, and moaning female?  What has the capability to literally wipe-out years of creativity, memories, and other important stuff in the blink of an eye?  What rivals the cost of a down-payment on an automobile in attempts to restore the damn thing?  If you guessed a satanic computer virus or worm or bot, or whatever the hell it’s called these days, you would be correct!

On a typical Sunday, I switched on my laptop and went to get some java.  When I returned, cup in hand, I stared at my blank screen in disbelief while the spinny-thingy revolved around and around seemingly in the throes of death.  I was helpless to do anything but cry, “What didn’t I do to protect myself?”  Then the worst part: I couldn’t stop myself from repeating the futile actions of shutting-down and booting-up, over and over again, fully expecting that my system would magically begin working and my belief that it wasn’t anything serious would be validated; life as I knew it would continue uninterrupted.  Denial is a powerful adversary but eventually I had to face the fact that although I have heavy-duty security protection installed and I take very good care of what has become an important part of my daily existence, my system has crashed and I am devastated.  I cannot tell you what, when, where, or how it happened, but after doing everything that I could to correct the situation, I have had to accept the fact that I am completely and utterly helpless when it comes to performing CPR on my technology.  The most that I can hope is that some skilled expert/geek will be able to fix the problem for a cost that will not involve the sale of one of my organs and perhaps life will once again resume a dysfunctionally normal path.  However in the meantime, if it works for drinking why not computing…

  1. I am powerless over my technology and my online life has ceased.
  2. I have come to believe that a skilled computer geek can restore my system.
  3. I have made a decision to turn my frustrated and futile attempts to fix my computer over to a skilled professional (aka geek/savior).
  4. Made a complete inventory of my firewalls, anti-virus protection, and anti-spyware protection.
  5. Admitted to myself that in spite of all of my preventative measures, there are some smart mother fuckers who enjoy wreaking this kind of mayhem.
  6. I will prepare myself to part with some seriously hard-earned ducats.
  7. I will humbly ask aforementioned geek/savior to educate this techno-tard.
  8. Make a list of all recommendations of the geek/savior.
  9. Make all necessary corrections despite painful alterations to my bank account.
  10. Continue to perform all necessary updates and to back-up my files regularly.
  11. Make a commitment to stay current on all necessary improvements and to develop a close relationship with my tech guru.
  12. Having survived a traumatic and painful ordeal, I promise to share my experience with other techno-tards and to not become complacent in the care and feeding of my technology.

Serenity Prayer…Powering off.