He came last night to pick up the rest of his stuff. I waited with a mixture of anxiety, sadness, and relief. I had learned a valuable bit of truth: in time everyone eventually reveals who they truly are inside. Even me. Although he wanted me to continue to store some of his stuff, I let him know that was not an option. I needed to have this thing over and done and as it turned out, that is exactly what happened. It is better to be single than to be in a relationship that based upon need. I had to face the fact that it impossible to love what you need because the fear that it one day might not being there influences every thought and decision. Only within the parameters of freedom based upon self-responsibility and self-care does it become possible for a mutually beneficial liaison to exist.
At the time he came into my life, I was facing an inevitable vacancy and despite my awareness, I rushed to fill it at the first opportunity. He, on the other hand, had nowhere to hang his traveling job hat and I was only too willing to invite him to hang it at my address. At first glance it appeared that the romance was fortuitous for both of us however, looking back and being completely honest, I know differently. He needed a place to stay and I needed to fill an emptiness. As time went on, I began to resolve the vacancy by stepping up and taking responsibility for my wants and needs and at the same time he began to come to a decision of what he really wanted and needed to do in his life and neither of those solutions required the continued involvement with each other!
Now that I have identified my part, I can be on the lookout for the signs of need that masquerade as romance and perhaps limit the casualties caused under the camouflage of friendly fire. I know I sound completely at peace and mature and philosophical, however, honestly I am still a little pissed. His deception was overt and ignorant and I can’t help but hear Donald Fagen singing, “You wouldn’t know a diamond if you held it in your hand…” He definitely didn’t know and I should have had a clue when he threw my cashmere sweater into the washing machine…what a dumbass! In any case, I have had to unlearn and relearn a lot of faulty information in my dealings with men and the learning curve has been humbling and painful.
So what does it mean to be “complete”? For this woman, being complete means that the lesson was learned, the casualties were minimal, and both parties walked away without the involvement of law enforcement. I really couldn’t have asked for more except that if only he had let me keep that 60” television…?!