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Sanity is overrated!

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June 2016

Buck-Naked in Bryce

     What is it about nature that just makes you want to take your clothes off?  Somehow it seems unkind to allow the pristine beauty of fresh air, majestic mountains, hellacious hoodoos, and perfumed pine, to bare their all unaccompanied!  Bryce Canyon, Utah, has some of the most magnificent views and breath-taking beauty that has ever been viewed by this human and it seemed wrong somehow to not join in the spectacle of naked nature…so I did!

     Hiking on one of the marked trails, a companion and I discovered the loveliest little river that when followed, led us to its more hidden beauties: a waterfall!  At the bottom of the falls was a rather large pool that eddied up and over and around the surrounding rocks and within the pool was the most striking jade-blue water; it seemed only a matter of time before clothes were off and we were in!  The pool’s location was somewhat isolated and the fear of others coming upon us was minimal, so we frolicked like children in our birthday suits and it was glorious!  The freedom of splashing around, buck-naked in nature, is one of modern life’s remaining simple pleasures and the experience is not to be missed.  The only thing that would have topped the experience would have been to culminate our swim in doing-the-deed, but alas, the water was too cold and … need I say more?!

The satisfaction of completely un-plugging for a few days, leaving all technology behind, was a salve for the soul that every human should allow themselves to experience on a regular basis.  To know that the outside world cannot intrude upon such a serene and peaceful back-drop was very comforting (and ironic!) and that does not even take into account sleeping under the stars, naked, in the unimpeded blackness of the warm night.  The sounds of birds, cicadas, and chipmunks as they rustled about was the perfect cure for my over-stimulated soul and I reveled in the benefits of its healing powers.  I contemplated the paradoxes of life as I realized that 100-years ago humans were divining ways to enhance their comforts and the contrasting modern culture’s need  to step away from those very same luxuries.  To experience the miraculous effects of healing nature by living outdoors for a few days was glorious!  The sex was awesome, the sleep was sound, and I didn’t even mention how much better the food tasted…!

Did I hear someone say “Road-trip”?

Happy Father’s Day…

Literally speaking, wouldn’t it be more accurate to say “Happy Mother Fucker’s Day”…?  Hee hee!  Just sayin…!

A Travelers Guide to the Vagina

The power of the vagina.  It always was (and always will be) the one determining factor that continues to set the stage for the entire course of history.  Truth be told, the vagina stands at the apex of all true power—the vehicle by which the whole species is perpetuated and at the same time capable of bringing the strongest of men to their knees.  All heterosexual men desire its promises of pleasure and are confounded by its ability to dramatically alter their lives.  No wonder the vagina has been the catalyst of so much fascination and fear: resting within its very walls lies the source of hope and undeniable destruction!

History is fraught with examples of kingdoms destroyed (Samson and the Philistines), monarchies compromised (Prince Edward and Wallace Simpson), lives sacrificed (Henry VIII and a few wives!), and the salvation of the entire race of humanity (Jesus, the Christ), all of which began with the mother of all pleasures—the vagina.  Anne Boleyn was able to influence the religious paradigms of England by withholding her goods until Henry VIII succeeded in casting-out Catholicism and naming Protestantism as the official religion of England.  Not only did the entire country become divided from within, but the future Queen of England convinced Henry that he alone was God’s chosen earthly ruler.  Only after insuring her probability of becoming the future queen did the shrewd Anne Boleyn grant a passport to her previously inaccessible territory and thereby the assurance of her name in history.  Anne’s fate is well-known, but it is important to remember that once again the vagina held center stage in the ensuing drama and her eventual demise.  Need I say more?

In order to take an excursion to the realm of the vainglorious vagina, one must first clear the mind of any preconceived ideas, for contrary to popular opinion, they do not all look alike!  The mystery that surrounds the sum of its parts is certainly grounded in its location: the vagina is tucked neatly (and inconspicuously) between the legs.  Unlike its counterpart, the penis, the vagina is a discreet location that is not visible to any excepting the owner of its territory, or the most determined explorers!  If you are a male, and you are blessed to have an uninhibited female in your midst, a visual introduction will most certainly assist you in your adventures and the knowledge gained will undoubtedly enhance your reputation.  It is one lucky female who has the opportunity to reap the benefits of an educated and experienced guide!

First, we begin our travels by determining the best routes to our destination.  Located below the summit of the Mons Veneris (appropriately known as the Mount of Venus), the vagina rests in hidden seclusion; a side-trek to the surrounding countryside is highly recommended due to the extremely sensitive nature of the Mons.  In fact, this often overlooked hillside houses an intricate network of nerve-endings that make the detour worthwhile and will help to greatly assist in the discovery of the path of least resistance.  Once the oft-overlooked delights of this detour have been explored, the time to venture forth will cause you to head in a southerly direction toward the long-awaited labia!  This area is akin to the castle walls that house the Queen.  Care must be taken here to discover its most vulnerable point of entry and a full examination of the architecture is highly encouraged.  Once inside, the little-labia are the silk curtains by which the Queen chooses to cloak herself within and as with any fine fabric, your care in handling will determine the success of your seeking an audience with Her Majesty.  Now for the object of affection: herein lies the Queen herself, the mysterious clitoris.  Nestled within the shadows of the luscious labia rests this object of much mystery and fascination.  This tiny protuberance has the power to turn even the most frigid of females into a quivering mass of yielding flesh.  The secret to its mystery lies within the approach: too much confidence, or too little, will yield the same result—an interrupted and unsuccessful visit.  Few travelers know that the way to the clitoris lies just below it and any attention paid toward this portion of the journey will yield the same results as heartily bribing a maître d for the best seat in the restaurant: you will succeed!  Once you have gained entrance to the Queen, a panoramic inspection should occur taking care to repeatedly circle around and around (and around…) until Her Majesty relinquishes all decorum.  Only when the Queen signals her approval of your approach, will you gain an effortless entry and consequently satisfying visit.  Once this portion of the trip has been completed, the door to the vagina will be open and in eager expectation of your visit!

Truth be told, the accommodations at the end of your journey will be such that you will not wish to leave, however, all good things must come to an end!  Once your visit has concluded, the knowledge that you will have gained will most certainly enhance your curriculum vitae as an experienced and practiced traveler and the odds that you will choose to revisit this destination are highly likely.  In fact, if you are a considerate and conscientious guest, the Queen will most certainly be requesting your return!

 

Existential Exhibitionism: Part VI

Existential Exhibitionism: Part VI

It was a necessity.  One of those bits of mundanity that a single woman simply could not do without: a clothes dryer.  Hers had bit the dust days earlier and scouring the ads she finally settled on a palatable purchase.  She made the necessary arrangements and waited expectantly for its delivery between the hours of noon and two.

Finally, the delivery truck approached her house and the driver got out and knocked upon her door.  She had watched him as he strode from the vehicle and up the sidewalk to her house.  Hmmm….nice, she thought to herself.

His knock upon the door was solid and purposeful; she responded by opening and was pleased to see a very fine 20-something standing in front of her.  Their eyes met for a split-second and she knew that he frequently had these encounters in the daily course of business.  Certainly, he wouldn’t be offended by an admiring, experienced female appreciating his, um…assets?

She watched him as he efficiently went about the business of removing the old unit and installing the new one.  He was young, probably 25 or so, but he had that air of sexuality about him, and there had been that split-second eye-fuck at the door…?

She decided to make her move: she asked him if he wanted something to drink and casually pulled him into a bit of conversation.  Once the niceties were finished, the woman offered him a tip and he gratefully accepted.  Their eyes lingered for a moment and she wanted to grab him and plant a deep, wet kiss on those tasty-looking lips, but…

She watched him drive away, leaving her to her fantasies and unsatisfied desires.  Life was a bitch sometimes and there just wasn’t any rhyme or reason to it some days; just when she thought the dull activities of life were showing promise, just as quickly she let the opportunity disappear.  Damn it!

Just then her phone sounded and a text appeared: “Thank you, Sweetness.  That was really nice of you.”  She answered with the appropriate response and added: “Interested…?”  His reply revealed that the day had not been a waste after all…!

To be continued…

 

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