Search

dysfunctionalwomansdigest

Sanity is overrated!

Hey You! Is There Anybody Out There…?

Oh blog, how I have missed you!  I began a master’s program in the beginning of July and I am suffering from writer’s constipation.  I am in the midst of academic writing and it is literally sapping every bit of creativity that I try to muster.  I had thought that I would not suffer this malaise due to the program concentration but that has not been the case.  What is it about higher learning that academia insists on leveling every single interesting facet of a field of study into an infinitesimal liturgy of boring details…?  Just writing this paragraph, I am boring myself!

At times like these, I wonder why I am doing this to myself once again?  I enjoy learning, however, I do not enjoy the hair-splitting that occurs in seeking a mastery of a certain subject.  Can’t we just go with our gut and use out natural passion and desire to pursue in-depth knowledge of the discipline instead of having a forced litany of classes and papers and tedium and grades and….

I miss you…

Carlos is One Bad-Ass Mo-Fo!

I was in the presence of greatness and I am still reeling in the euphoria of drums, keyboards, bass, and one bad-ass electric guitar!  Mr. Carlos is 69 (perfect!) and has not lost his phenomenal groove with the instrument of his choice of expression.  Let me assure you that the thrill of being so close to the source of such talent and focus is to be invited on a trip with like-minded souls to another dimension.  If that sounds a little dramatic, it is but the night was truly an honor and a blast to the past for this seventies chick!  I would like to add that the drummer is his current missus and she was absolutely crazy awesome on those bad boys!  I am certain that Mr. Carlos has enjoyed the strength and stamina of those arms on many occasions. 🙂

The event took place at the House Of Blues in Las Vegas and I can tell you that there exists not one bad seat in the house.  HoB still offers General Admission and that is where this music-lovin’ chick prefers to boogie to live music.  Down on the floor, I was a mere five-to-six like-minded bodies from the man himself and if you will please forgive my amateur skills (apparently iPhone and Windows have some issues working together), you will enjoy the video.  Three hours of dancing, sweating, and grooving to the sounds of one talented soul communicating to another through the language of music and I was one happy girl!

There is definitely an encore in the near future…

 

A Foolish Consistency is the Hobgoblin of Little Minds—Emerson

I am so pissed off right now!  I submitted entries to a writing challenge recently and I didn’t receive even an honorable mention for creativity.  I read the other entries and they were fine and well-written, and sentimental and (dare I say it?) predictable!  Needless to say, I feel as though I have been slighted due to my quirky and extremely unpredictable story twists and turns.  I realize that my dark and slightly skewed sense of the world is not for everyone but seriously, I think that the element of surprise should compensate for something…or do we only exist as automatons in this world?  Unless something is mushy, gushy, and has the potential to leave us with a lump in our neurologically-challenged throats, are we to dismiss it entirely?  

Then there is the subject of niche.  I don’t have one.  I may not ever have a definite topic that is exclusively my own.  I just roll in too many directions to state clearly and definitively that this (insert elusive topic here) is what I prefer to examine and expound.  I simply cannot limit myself this way, which brings me to my next point: I believe that the contributions I have made on my blog may have also had something to do with the lack of encouragement and support.  I was careful to take note that the facilitator of the challenge did check out my site and I am merely guessing but I do believe it hurt my chances.  Could it be that there still exists a kind of snobbery and prejudice within the literary discipline? I would dare to venture a guess that if attention had been drawn to my blog, someone might be a tad uncomfortable…?  I don’t know, it’s just a guess. 

This brings me to another point: randy writing has been with us since humans began to carve images onto stone!  Sensuous and erotic prose is as natural as sleeping, eating, and breathing, however, the Victorian bias is still alive and well when the Brontes (talented, though they were) fit our only conception of what is defined as literature.  Any English major has read Chaucer, Lawrence, Wilde, Nabokov, and The Pearl.  What about the Kama Sutra, an antique text which dared to commit to print the most sensuous and pleasurable acts to take place between two humans?

Indifference, not criticism, is the enemy of creativity and I would appreciate any feedback you would care to share.  Now that I have gotten that off of my chest, here are two of my entries that I thought were pretty damn good:

The scenario is a blind date that starts off well until….

At exactly half-past eight, she appeared. Looking more striking than her description, my heart began to pound with excitement. Will she like me? Will she think I am as desirable as I find her? What can I say to her that will not betray my nervousness and faltering self-confidence? She spotted me with ease and walked directly over to me and without saying a word she grabbed my hand and pulled me out onto the dance floor. Hips swaying to the loud sensuous beat, her dancing had me panting like a dog in heat. I dared to touch her by encircling her waist in my arms and suddenly we were flesh on flesh and I could feel her hot breath on my neck. She was so stunning and sexy that I realized she may not think that I am up to her standard but she seemed to be into me by responding to my lead on the floor. At one point, she turned and I could feel her soft, round bottom slightly pressing into my pelvis and I almost couldn’t control myself. Thankfully the music stopped and she grabbed me by the hand and led me outside to cool our sweating bodies within the embrace of the soft ocean breeze.

I looked at her and thought “What a perfect night…” And then she spoke for the first time, “You look so beautiful, wherever did you find that gorgeous red dress?!” It was then that I heard his deep, baritone voice and realized that to my dismay that she was a man.

The next scenario is a child who is talking in her sleep:

Tonight he would be prepared. Climbing into bed with a pencil and pad of paper, his plan was to have these items ready as soon as the child was asleep and her lips began to move. The child’s sleep-talking had begun a few weeks ago and he didn’t pay much attention to her gibberish at first but over the following weeks the noises had turned into an intelligible form of discourse. Her audible murmurings were beginning to reveal things that a child of four, his child of four, should not and could not know. Her mother had been equally disturbed.

“I don’t know when all of this started but I am not getting any rest since Daphne starting sleeping in our bed,” she had said. “First it was your insomnia and now it’s her talking and rolling around and I am exhausted.” She pointed to the bags under her eyes as confirmation.

“I know, honey,” said Paul. “Let’s start a new bedtime routine tomorrow and we will make sure to wear Daphne out at the park in the afternoon. It shouldn’t take but a few days and then we will be getting a good night’s rest again, OK, honey?” Paul secretly hoped that tonight he would be able to jot down what he was certain was an intelligence from another dimension. Somehow, someway, a transmission was occurring through his child and he could swear that he had been specifically chosen for this revelation. He just wished that his wife would not interfere until he could accurately transcribe the mysterious knowledge.

Paul reached to turn-out the light as his wife rolled over with a deep sigh and said goodnight. Setting the pad of paper and his pencil next to the bed, Paul made certain that his unopened refill of risperidone was still carefully concealed.

 

Enjoy!  XO   DWD

Techno-tards Anonymous…

 

What single event has the power to turn an otherwise intelligent, mostly rational and fun-loving human into a shrieking, crying, and moaning female?  What has the capability to literally wipe-out years of creativity, memories, and other important stuff in the blink of an eye?  What rivals the cost of a down-payment on an automobile in attempts to restore the damn thing?  If you guessed a satanic computer virus or worm or bot, or whatever the hell it’s called these days, you would be correct!

On a typical Sunday, I switched on my laptop and went to get some java.  When I returned, cup in hand, I stared at my blank screen in disbelief while the spinny-thingy revolved around and around seemingly in the throes of death.  I was helpless to do anything but cry, “What didn’t I do to protect myself?”  Then the worst part: I couldn’t stop myself from repeating the futile actions of shutting-down and booting-up, over and over again, fully expecting that my system would magically begin working and my belief that it wasn’t anything serious would be validated; life as I knew it would continue uninterrupted.  Denial is a powerful adversary but eventually I had to face the fact that although I have heavy-duty security protection installed and I take very good care of what has become an important part of my daily existence, my system has crashed and I am devastated.  I cannot tell you what, when, where, or how it happened, but after doing everything that I could to correct the situation, I have had to accept the fact that I am completely and utterly helpless when it comes to performing CPR on my technology.  The most that I can hope is that some skilled expert/geek will be able to fix the problem for a cost that will not involve the sale of one of my organs and perhaps life will once again resume a dysfunctionally normal path.  However in the meantime, if it works for drinking why not computing…

  1. I am powerless over my technology and my online life has ceased.
  2. I have come to believe that a skilled computer geek can restore my system.
  3. I have made a decision to turn my frustrated and futile attempts to fix my computer over to a skilled professional (aka geek/savior).
  4. Made a complete inventory of my firewalls, anti-virus protection, and anti-spyware protection.
  5. Admitted to myself that in spite of all of my preventative measures, there are some smart mother fuckers who enjoy wreaking this kind of mayhem.
  6. I will prepare myself to part with some seriously hard-earned ducats.
  7. I will humbly ask aforementioned geek/savior to educate this techno-tard.
  8. Make a list of all recommendations of the geek/savior.
  9. Make all necessary corrections despite painful alterations to my bank account.
  10. Continue to perform all necessary updates and to back-up my files regularly.
  11. Make a commitment to stay current on all necessary improvements and to develop a close relationship with my tech guru.
  12. Having survived a traumatic and painful ordeal, I promise to share my experience with other techno-tards and to not become complacent in the care and feeding of my technology.

Serenity Prayer…Powering off.

Kiss My Ass…Don’t Mind If I Do!

Finally!  The scheduled rendezvous arrived and my pump was primed.  I had been waiting to get my lips wrapped around this tasty testosterone for quite a few months and although I have been in a relationship of sorts, as the conclusion became inevitable my mind was caught repeatedly wandering to the prospect of rekindling some fire with my former flame.  Any healthy female can attest to the truth of the old adage “the best way to get one out of your head is to get another in your bed” and this prescription is strong and is backed by some pretty solid stats.

He arrived early in the morning and my senses were instantly alerted by his aroma, a musky cocktail of light perspiration combined with morning java and his natural deliciousness.  After nudging him into the bed and removing what was left of his clothes, I had him lay upon his stomach while I softly kissed his neck and back and then proceeded to his nether regions.  First kissing one cheek and then another, I had him maneuver up onto his knees and I slowly began to lick down the crack of his fine ass.  Deliberately, I  licked south and north and applied a mild pressure with my tongue to the area between his scrotum and that most secret of man-places.  He moaned with pleasure as I entered his bum with my firm and erect tongue.  I gently stroked his penis while applying a gentle, warm and wet tongue-lashing to his formerly off-limits behind.

For those females who have not yet dared to go where no man has gone before, I cannot encourage you enough to indulge your man with this exotic pleasure.  Not only will it trip your guy into the throes of ecstasy but you will be surprised at the powerful aphrodisiac that dwells between the tender balance of his vulnerability and your determination to seek his trembling capitulation.

Thank you, Steven Tyler!

Morning Rendezvous

Alas, my morning rendezvous had to be rescheduled.  There is nothing like the breakfast of champions to get a girl back on her feet and into the game once again!  I have something extra special planned for this one. 🙂

Complete

He came last night to pick up the rest of his stuff.  I waited with a mixture of anxiety, sadness, and relief.  I had learned a valuable bit of truth: in time everyone eventually reveals who they truly are inside.  Even me.  Although he wanted me to continue to store some of his stuff, I let him know that was not an option.  I needed to have this thing over and done and as it turned out, that is exactly what happened.  It is better to be single than to be in a relationship that based upon need.  I had to face the fact that it impossible to love what you need because the fear that it one day might not being there influences every thought and decision.  Only within the parameters of freedom based upon self-responsibility and self-care does it become possible for a mutually beneficial liaison to exist.

At the time he came into my life, I was facing an inevitable vacancy and despite my awareness, I rushed to fill it at the first opportunity.  He, on the other hand, had nowhere to hang his traveling job hat and I was only too willing to invite him to hang it at my address.  At first glance it appeared that the romance was fortuitous for both of us however, looking back and being completely honest, I know differently.  He needed a place to stay and I needed to fill an emptiness.  As time went on, I began to resolve the vacancy by stepping up and taking responsibility for my wants and needs and at the same time he began to come to a decision of what he really wanted and needed to do in his life and neither of those solutions required the continued involvement with each other!

Now that I have identified my part, I can be on the lookout for the signs of need that masquerade as romance and perhaps limit the casualties caused under the camouflage of friendly fire.  I know I sound completely at peace and mature and philosophical, however, honestly I am still a little pissed.  His deception was overt and ignorant and I can’t help but hear Donald Fagen singing, “You wouldn’t know a diamond if you held it in your hand…”  He definitely didn’t know and I should have had a clue when he threw my cashmere sweater into the washing machine…what a dumbass!  In any case, I have had to unlearn and relearn a lot of faulty information in my dealings with men and the learning curve has been humbling and painful.

So what does it mean to be “complete”?  For this woman, being complete means that the lesson was learned, the casualties were minimal, and both parties walked away without the involvement of law enforcement.  I really couldn’t have asked for more except that if only he had let me keep that 60” television…?!

Being Viking

One of my beloved chick friends (coincidentally, also my Muse) told me one day, “Lady, you are a fucking Viking!”  Stunned by this comparison, given that the Vikes were notoriously fierce, ambitious, and mofo tough, I did a little research on these blond-haired beauties and found that I concur 100% with the Muse’s estimation.  So in the spirit of observation, education, and affirmation, here are a few relatively similar facts between myself and my beloved Vikings!  (Cohen 1)

 

First of all, Viking women accrued property and had the balls to get a divorce and reclaim their stuff if the blondie in question was not true to his horn.   Check!

 

Second, the men got the groceries.  Now, this is what I’m talking about!  Anyone who knows me will tell you how much I hate the dreaded grocery store.  Check!

 

I do not wear a helmet (sorry to burst anyone’s fantasies!) and apparently, neither did those vicious Vikes cover their beautiful tresses with such a ghastly style faux pas.  Check!

 

I am resourceful to the bone; perhaps this talent was acquired by the combining of creativity and uncertain finances but I can make a gourmet meal and a stylish outfit from nothing more than what is in the fridge and a couple of yards of cloth.  I guess the Norse Lords were a bit more pragmatic because they used their urine to cure stuff to make it flammable.  (Damn!)  Check!

 

I know that Bettie Page is my Gravatar but that is because she is absolutely fabulous and sexy and everything that I want to be when I grow-up. However truthfully, I have always been a blonde.  I have the natural shade and coloring of the true blondie with the exception of my hazel-green eyes.  Check!

 

Of course the Norse 🙂 were known for their courageous and seafaring spirit and could kick any tribes’ ass when it came to adventuring. They slept out of doors wherever they chose to lay their blond locks and I love the outdoors too!  I love to camp and hike and run and cook outside (we all know how much better the food tastes when cooked on a campfire).  Check!

 

Those blond-haired beauties were also known for their independent and nonconformist lifestyles.  Entrepreneurs to the bone, they marched to the beat of their own drums, never mind what those other tribes were up to, the Vikings lived the Frank Sinatra life and did it their way.  As an INFP, bam sucka—Check!

 

Everyone hates smelly, sweaty, unbathed humans and the Nords were no exception.  Maintaining an unusual degree of personal hygiene, the Vikings were known for their daily bathing and grooming rituals.  I am known for my love of bathing.  In fact, I do not take showers unless I am out of town.  Nothing compares to a long, hot soak in a garden style tub with candles burning and the scent of bubbles—sublime.  Check!

 

I know that my Muse was being facetious when she compared me to a Viking but after hearing my life story at a speaker event, she must have been overcome and appreciative of her own upbringing and experiences.  I have to admit that I rather enjoy thinking of myself as one of those savage Nordic types and I know that I am exploring strange and unknown territory in regard to my family of origin.  I have lived through the sixties with teenage parents, a kidnapping and molestation at knife-point, a rape, and twenty-plus years with a compulsive gambler; I have had my own struggles with booze and sex and come out on the other side; I have raised three beautiful and intelligent daughters, all three college educated and I just completed my degree last year.  Through it all, I have explored, obtained wisdom, learned empathy and compassion, and now I sit here doing what I love: writing.  Yes, I have to admit that I am a fucking Viking!

 

Cohen, J. (20130. http://www.history.com/news/history-lists/10-things-you-may-not-know-about-the-vikings

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Better Than What…?!

via Daily Prompt: Better

Today’s prompt is one of the reasons that the English language is so hard for second language speakers to understand.  It is simply too vague.  Totally subjective, “better” rests soundly on the individual’s perspective of what preceded and is the equivalent of junk food in the English vernacular.  Is that a “better” explanation…?!

WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: